Asking for What You Want - And Why We Don’t Do It

Whether it’s a raise, a promotion, a stretch assignment, or more balance in your work-life rhythm, asking directly and unapologetically is a critical part of advancing in leadership and in life. Yet, in my work as a coach, consultant, and professor, I’ve seen countless leaders—especially women and leaders of color—struggle with this very thing.

Instead, they over-deliver, they wait patiently, and they hope that hard work will be enough to “get noticed.” And while hard work matters, the truth is sobering: recognition and opportunity don’t just go to the most competent—they go to the most visible and the most clear about what they want.

So why don’t we ask? And what would happen if we did?‍

The Fear Behind the Silence

Let’s start with honesty: asking for what you want is uncomfortable. It requires vulnerability. It requires us to put ourselves out there, risking rejection, judgment, or—even worse—the possibility of being seen as “too much.”

Here are some of the most common reasons we hold back:

1. Fear of Rejection

No one enjoys hearing “no.” The fear of rejection can be paralyzing, especially in environments where opportunities are scarce or competition is high. Instead of asking and risking disappointment, many professionals stay silent, convincing themselves that the timing isn’t right.

2. Fear of Judgment

Women and leaders of color, in particular, often worry that asking will feed negative stereotypes: being labeled as demanding, pushy, or ungrateful. This double bind makes the stakes feel higher, even when the request is reasonable.

3. The Myth of Meritocracy

Many of us were raised to believe that hard work speaks for itself. That if we just keep producing results, someone will notice and reward us. Unfortunately, workplaces don’t operate as pure meritocracies. Performance is necessary, but it’s not enough. Asking is the bridge between results and recognition.

4. Lack of Clarity

Sometimes, we don’t ask because we’re not fully clear on what we want. Is it a promotion, or is it more meaningful work? Is it more money, or is it more autonomy? Without clarity, we default to silence.

‍The Cost of Not Asking

The cost of silence is not neutral—it’s steep.

When we don’t ask, we leave our careers and opportunities to chance. We end up working tirelessly in roles that don’t challenge us, staying stuck in compensation bands that don’t reflect our value, or being passed over for opportunities that could have been ours if only we had raised our hands.

Worse, silence reinforces the very systems that overlook us. If leaders only reward those who speak up, and you never speak up, the cycle continues. The recognition gap grows wider. And the organization loses out on the full capacity of its talent.

Put simply: not asking isn’t humility—it’s self-sabotage.

Reframing Asking: From Selfish to Strategic

Here’s the truth I share with my clients: asking for what you want is not selfish. It’s strategic.

When you ask, you:

∙Give others clarity about how to support you.

∙Signal leadership readiness by articulating your vision and goals.

∙Teach organizations what you value and how to retain you.

Asking is not about entitlement—it’s about alignment. It aligns your needs and ambitions with the opportunities around you, creating a win-win.

The Power of Directness

Think about the leaders who have most inspired you. Chances are, they weren’t vague. They were direct. They knew how to say, “Here’s what I need to be successful.”

Directness is not arrogance. It is clarity. And clarity creates confidence—not just for you, but for the people who want to invest in you.

When you articulate what you want, you make it easier for others to say yes. You also give them something specific to remember and advocate for when you’re not in the room.

‍How to Ask for What You Want—With Authenticity

So, how do we begin to move past the fear and into action? Here are five strategies I encourage leaders to practice:

1. Get Clear First

Before you ask, define your want. Be specific. “I want a promotion” is vague. “I’d like to be considered for the senior director role opening next quarter” is actionable. Clarity creates direction.

2. Connect It to Value

Frame your ask in terms of the value you bring. Instead of, “I think I deserve more money,” try: “Given the results my team has delivered and the revenue growth we’ve driven, I’d like to discuss a salary adjustment that reflects that impact.”

3. Choose Your Timing

Strategic asks are not random—they’re timed. Ask during performance reviews, after a big win, or when future planning is underway. Timing doesn’t guarantee a yes, but it increases receptivity.

4. Practice the Language

If asking feels intimidating, practice. Write it down. Say it out loud. Rehearse with a coach, mentor, or trusted colleague. The more you practice, the less emotional weight the ask carries.

5. Prepare for “No”—and Keep Asking

A “no” is not the end of the conversation. It’s data. If you hear no, follow up with: “What would make me a stronger candidate for this in the future?” or “What skills or experiences should I focus on to be considered next time?” Then incorporate that feedback and revisit the ask.

Leaders, Take Note: Create Cultures Where Asking is Safe

While individuals must find the courage to ask, organizations and leaders have an equal responsibility: to create environments where asking is welcomed, not penalized.

Ask yourself:

∙Do employees know the pathways to advancement?

∙Do we reward only those who speak the loudest, or do we actively seek to recognize all

contributors?

∙Are we training managers to respond to asks with openness and transparency?

When organizations normalize asking, they normalize growth. They send the message that ambition is not a liability—it’s an asset.

Asking as a Leadership Muscle

Like any skill, asking takes practice. It’s a muscle we strengthen over time. Start small: ask for feedback, ask for a new project, ask for clarity in a meeting. Each time you ask, you build confidence. Each time you hear yes—or survive a no—you grow more comfortable.

Eventually, asking becomes not just something you do, but a part of how you lead. Leaders who model asking also model permission for others. They create cultures of transparency, where needs are named, and opportunities are shared.

The Shift: From Waiting to Claiming

At its core, asking is about moving from a posture of waiting to a posture of claiming.

Waiting says: “I hope someone notices me.”​

Claiming says: “Here’s how I want to grow. Here’s what I need to get there.”

One is passive. The other is powerful. And the leaders who rise are the ones who claim—not because they’re entitled, but because they’re clear, courageous, and committed to their own development.

Final Thought: Asking is Owning Your Power

The next time you hesitate to ask for what you want, remember this: asking is not about arrogance, and it’s not about greed. It’s about agency.

It’s about saying, “I trust my value enough to name it.”​

It’s about believing, “My goals matter as much as the goals I help others achieve.”​It’s about modeling for others that power is not given—it’s claimed.

So, what do you want? Say it. Ask for it. Own it. Because the career, the leadership, and the life you desire will rarely be handed to you. More often, it begins the moment you have the courage to ask.